Bag and Crink(le) Were Here
Bag and Crink(le) Were Here
By SuperFolder Jawa
By Jake Rogers
So last night, Eric and I were standing outside the cafetorium during Fun Night, trying to figure out the best way to score some smokin’ hot babes when we spotted Hannah freakin’ Henderson, one of the most righteous lookin’ chicks in all of Lucas County. So naturally, we walked up to her and started chatting.
“Hey Hannah, what’s up?” I said, using my “Chad Voice” as I like to call it.
“Yeah, how’s it hanging?” Eric added.
“Uh…good? I guess?” she replied.
Hmm, I was expecting more of a reaction. Time to turn up the smoothness. “Just good? Well I know what’ll make it a night to remember. Hows about being my date tonight? I bought just enough canned food items to get in.”
“Hey!” said Eric. “That was my can of peas!”
“Well I think the chick – I mean, lady – is more important than you right now, Eric.”
“She sure is! That’s why I’m taking her to the Fun Night! Gimme my peas, you Jolly Green Jerk!”
Eric lunged at me, trying to grab the can, but I jumped back before he could make contact. Unfortunately, I jumped right into Mark the 7th Grader, the most bogus bully on the face of the earth, and as I would come to find out…Hannah’s boyfriend.
“You trying to woo my woman?” He said in a voice so deep it would make James Earl Jones sound like a chipmunk.
“Uh, um, uh…” I couldn’t get any words out. But Eric could.
“Heck yea he is! He took my can of peas and tried to use it as Hannah’s admission into the dance!”
“You what?!?” Mark shouted as he pushed me to the ground and towered over me.
“C’mon Mark, it was just a big misunderstanding, I was just trying to-”
Hannah cut me off. “Kick is butt, honeybun! Throw him in the dumpster!”
“With pleasure, sweet thang.” Mark said.
Eric found Mark saying “sweet thang” a little too funny, and he was picked up by the collar and dragged along with me to the dumpster. It was at this moment, I realized that I still had the can on peas in my hand. I dropped it as nonchalantly as possible and…CRASH!!!
The can rolled right under Marks foot, causing him to trip and fall onto the ground, dropping us in the process.
“Let’s make like a tree,” I started.
“And get outta here!” Eric finished.
We booked it as fast as we could around the back of the school and entered the doors that lead backstage. It was pitch black back there because the curtain was shut, so it took us a while to find the exit. While we were searching, I heard some kids talking about asking Hannah to dance, and I just sighed.
“Man, you’d have to be a fool to rush in and ask Hannah to dance again.” Eric said.
“You’re telling me.” I replied. “Hey, I think I found the curtain, let’s get outta here.”
As we made our way back into the cafetorium, I saw none other than that Mathlete Harvey Dorkingham talking to Hannah…and guess who walked in. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone look as scared as Harvey did in that moment. Long story short, we didn’t get a date that night.
By Eric Galloway
A couple days ago in Science class, I was throwing pencils into the ceiling and seeing how long they would stick, when Mr. Thomas asked me to pour a bucket of water out in the boy’s bathroom. Seems easy enough, right? Turns out it’s not.
I thought I was gonna be carrying like a watering can or something. These were two 5 gallon buckets filled to the brim. One has super nasty brown water that smelled like a skunk got into a swimming pool, while the other was just regular water…I think. Anyways, I made my way to the bathroom and lifted the clean water bucket onto the sink. And that’s when I saw it.
Somebody had written “Kellen Campbell Drinks Pee” on the mirror, and I have to admit, I laughed way too much at that. Why was it so funny? I have no idea. But it was. It was so funny that I accidentally knocked the bucket off of the sink, causing the water to go everywhere. Not only that, but I backed into the nasty water, causing that to go all over the floor! Thankfully there’s a drain in the floor of the bathroom, but there was still water all over the sink.
I wasn’t really sure what to do, so I started grabbing as many paper towels as I could from the dispenser trying to clean up this mess before the bell rang. I didn’t think it could get any worse, but then someone walked in.
I was scared out of my mind that it was gonna be a teacher, so I ran and hid in a stall.
“Holy crap! It smells awful in here!” the person said. “I mean it smells like – wait – I do not drink pee!”
Turns out it was Kellen. I heard a squidgy noise which I assume was him trying to rub the graffiti off of the mirror. I didn’t think anything of it until someone else walked in.
“Yo dude, did you pee your pants?”
“What, no! It must be water from the sink!”
“Yeah, sure it is.”
“C’mon, Lance! You gotta believe me!”
Anyways, this went on for a few minutes until some old dude that talked funny told Kellen to soak his pants. After that the bell rang, and I booked it to my next class. I just feel bad for that janitor who had to clean up the nasty water.
As I was walking to my next class, I saw Eric run out of the boys bathroom. I figured he had just dropped a massive deuce or something and was trying to book it, but then he told me what actually happened and that was way funnier.
Our next class was History. Unfortunately it’s the only one we have together, but that also means it’s the one where we have the most fun. Our teacher, Mr. Sneider is one of the most chilled out dudes I know. He’s awesome.
The classroom is right next to the cafetorium, which also doubles as our gym, and a dodgeball just so happened to roll out the door just as we walked by. Eric picked it up, but instead of throwing it back into the cafetorium, he took it with him into class.
“Hey Jake, watch this!” Eric told me as he threw the ball as hard as he could onto the ground. It bounced all the way up to the ceiling and knocked one of the tiles loose.
“That’s awesome, dude! Lemme try!” I said as I grabbed the ball from him. I threw the ball so hard that it knocked three tiles loose!
“Beat that, sucker!” I mocked, throwing the ball back to him.
“If you say so, dude.”
This next part felt like slow motion:
Eric wound up his arm so much, that he let go of the ball too early, sending it hurling towards Mr. Schneider’s favorite possession, a ceramic bust of William Shakespeare.
“Noooooooooo!!!” I shouted as I deflected the ball away from the bust. But it was too late, it had already started to fall. I had to act fast.
I grabbed my backpack off my desk and slid it across the floor near the falling statue and…it broke it’s fall.
“Phew,” I said, exhausted. “Maybe we shouldn’t throw around the dodgeball in here anymore.”
“Yeah, I think you’re probably right.” Eric replied, looking like a deer facing headlights.
I grabbed my bag off the ground and placed the bust back up on the file cabinet.
I guess I didn’t place it far enough back on the file cabinet though, because when some girl walked past it, it fell and broke. But at least it’s her problem now and not mine.
Last week we went on a field trip to the zoo, and boy was it fun. They had all sorts of cool exhibits. In fact, they had so many cool exhibits, that I got lost because I was wandering around so much.
I was worried at first, but then I just realized that I could look at whatever I wanted now, because I didn’t have to follow the group. I saw some penguins, some fish, some gorillas, some lions, but then I started to get kinda hungry.
I finally found a vending machine, but all they had was some weird granola bars and…Cheetos!
I grabbed my wallet and put in a $5 bill my mom had given me to use as lunch money, and I pressed M77, The Cheeto Button.
The machine dispensed my cheesy goodness, and I started to chow down. But then it dispensed another. And another. And another.
I started to panic, and checked my wallet. Oh. Crap.
Instead of putting in my $5 bill from my mom, I put in a $50 bill that my grandmother gave me for my birthday! And now all of the Cheetos were coming out of the machine!
I didn’t know what to do, so I just started shoving as many bags as I could into my backpack, but it filled up so fast! So I tried kicking them under the machine and a bunch of other stuff, until I finally got rid of them all.
Just as I was hiding the last bag, the group came back around the corner, and started eyeing the vending machine. It was now completely empty except for those weird granola bars…and one last bag of Cheetos.
Quavondo Phan was the first to make it to the vending machine, and got the Cheetos, obviously.
I’m sure you know what happened next, and if you don’t, you must’ve been living under a rock for the last week. Quavondo is now known as the “Cheeto Hog” because he wouldn’t share any of his Cheetos with anyone else, and now it’s a schoolwide thing.
I kinda feel bad for him, but I mean there’s nothing I could really do at that point.
Guess who’s back? Back again? Fun Night’s back, tell a friend!
Alright, you know the drill. Me. Eric. Looking for babes.
This time we were hanging out around the punch bowl, keeping an eye out for some girls to use some of our sweet dance moves on. I kept thinking about asking this one cheerleader, but Eric convinced me that it was too risky, and to try for someone less bodacious, which I think was his way of telling me, “You’re super ugly dude, find an ugly chick. Ya know, a Fiona to your Shrek.” Eh, what does he know?
We were both on our fifth or sixth cup of punch, and we both really had to go, well, ya know. As we started to make our way out of the cafetorium, we spotted our old nemesis: Mark the 7th Grader.
Wanting to avoid as much conflict as possible, we hid. This time, up in the DJ Booth. At first, we were just making sure Mark wouldn’t find us. But then we stood up. So. Many. Buttons.
Eric and I nodded at each other simultaneously, and started going to town making playlists, remixes, all sorts of stuff. But then we came across this one song that looked different from all the others.
Most of the songs at Fun Night are your standard generic 80s-Early 00s Pop music, but this one was different. It was from 1959, and called The Twist.
I didn’t really want to play it, but Eric insisted because the guy that wrote it had a funny name, Chubby Checker.
So we hit play.
It was okay, I guess.
After the dance, Harvey Cunningham walked up to us and asked if we were interested in a job. Wanting to make a quick buck we said yes, and he handed us two origami Stormtroopers.
Cunningham said in that weird squeaky voice of his,
“You now serve Lord Darth Paper and shall be known as Bag…and Crink…le.”
TO BE CONTINUED